Drama: you know it doesn’t help. You know it makes everything worse. Well, you may know, but it seems I don’t. Why is that? Is it because I was called to study drama? That’s right, I attended drama school for three years. As though I needed that! Believe me, you don’t want to live your life like an “improv” acting class. When you’re acting, you want to go looking for trouble. It’s entertaining. It’s how you create both drama and comedy. Blow something way out of proportion, that’s comedy.

Right now Fear and Frustration seem to be my best friends. I need to dump them. I need to walk away. I should refuse to call them back when they leave rude messages on my phone. They’re creating havoc today. But why? It’s a beautiful spring day outside (no, make that glorious). The birds are happy to be alive. New life is nesting and birthing and breeding and brewing.

Today, my pursuit of new life involves pounding my head against the brick wall of technology, bruising myself badly. I had planned to write a blog post and look for part time work today. Instead, I spent hours cursing my internet connection – it jammed again and again. It simply would not work. Where the drama comes in is what I decide this means. Technology is out to get me. There is no solution. If I don’t publish this one blog post to my deadline (one I have set) then I am a failure. No one will read it anyway. I will be a moody and miserable secretary for the rest of my life and probably die youngish leaving a slightly shrivelled corpse and a jar of nutella.

The truth is, technology gremlins didn’t stopping me from writing. A simple word document would have been fine. I didn’t have to draft the piece online. I finally went to the library where my internet stick worked just fine. I could have tried that sooner. Instead I built my frustration rather than flowing around the obstacles. The drama was not fun, not helpful, not even all that funny.

To be fair. I am dealing with some big changes. My various part time work seems to be dropping away. It’s like driving a rust-bucket car with random parts falling off the chasis. Do I need them? Who knows. Maybe this particular vehicle is supposed to stop, seize and rust where it stands. Maybe I’m supposed to get out and hitchhike to a random destination. Maybe I could abandon the aim of finding another part time job. That was the only thing I really needed the internet for today. I could  just write.

I heard recently, “the flip-side of uncertainty is possibility”. I don’t quite feel this right now but I do remember a time ten years ago when uncertainty felt very much like possibility. I had clutter-cleared in a major way and found myself with so few possessions that I decided to try a different city for a while. Before I left, I met friends for a farewell. Walking with one of them near the harbour, we stopped and looked up at a large cruise ship. “You love it that you don’t know what’s next, don’t you?” he said. “Yep” I replied.

How do I get back to that feeling?

  • Dump Fear and Frustration – or at least turn down the volume when they whine
  • Clutter-clear the “should” from my life – “could” is a much happier word
  • Stop creating drama – a few obstacles are not a ruined life
  • Tomorrow is  another day
  • This is not an emergency
  • The Gods are probably not against me – I believe they have better things to do with their time
  • Travel just a little bit lighter

Nothing in my life is certain but fear never led anywhere good. In reality, nothing is certain in the most organised of lives. I need to understand that uncertainty really is possibility. If that doesn’t work, I could really go for it and make an epic comedy or tragedy. There are places where that’s in demand – plays, novels, songs, soap operas…

So, dump drama, or do something useful with it.